If You Could Start All Over Again . . .Would You?

Clementine (Kate Winslet) and Joel (Jim Carrey) in "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" (2004, Focus)

If you could go back in time, and had the opportunity to start (or not start) your current relationship all over again, would you?

It's a loaded question, I know. But c'mon, don't tell me you haven't chewed on it at least once. (Unless of course you just got into a relationship and are certain you'll never, ever have to ask it. If so, bookmark this article for about two months from now, buddy. We'll talk!)

If you haven't seen the film, "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind", it basically asks that question: If your relationship sucks or has just been too painful, and you could erase the memory of your partner, would you?

In the film an interesting thing happens when two people do exactly that (caution: spoiler ahead). After a couple splits up and both have their memories erased, they meet each other again later and start falling for each other all over again, unaware of the relationship they formerly had. In other words, they get what some of us want: the otherwise impossible chance to go back and start fresh, to remember what it felt like before they knew each other faults and familiarity began to breed boredom.

It's great for a while until they start to remember who they really are, what they had before, and how they had ended it. The movie ends abruptly with the unanswered question: So now that we're back to where we ended it last time, what should we do now? It's a very sobering finale.

Honestly, I can't count the number of times I've asked myself that question: If I could go back and start again, would I?

It's a deadly question when you really think about it. Tempting to be sure, and not totally without value, but a killer if you hang on to it long enough. Someone once wrote that when a person makes the decision to hook up with someone, especially in marriage, they shouldn't spend a lot of time wondering if they've made a mistake, and stewing over the what-ifs.

Hmmm. . .

I don't think it's necessarily wrong to look back and reflect on why you made your decision. And I believe it's totally normal, especially when you first get married and everything's so new and different, to wonder if you've made the right move. But yeah, I have to agree, it hasn't really done anything to improve my marriage, dwelling on that tantalizing question. It's a great way to mentally escape whatever's going wrong at the moment, it's a nice fantasy. But what does it really accomplish?

Obviously it makes more sense to spend that time and energy focusing on what's wrong and what we can do to fix it. I think that's even part of the movie's point. We all talk about trying to "go back and resurrect those dead feelings", maybe by going on a couple of dates, taking a vacation, re-visiting the place where we honeymooned. But if you're like us, you know how the emotional crap you've accumulated over the years loves to stick like barnacles, and therefore how nearly impossible it can be to just "go back and start again." It's not that easy.

For Joel and Clementine, they are literally able to go back, forget the crap, and start again. Ironically, it's only when they start remembering the crap from their past and get stuck on it, that the new relationship begins to tank. Bingo. I think that's half the problem with our relationship and others like it.

Of course, they're still the same people as they were before, so new crap is inevitable also. But I guess the fighter in me wants to believe that it's better to dwell on the positive, on turning things around than become nearly paralyzed by the fantasy of the big What-If.

Okay, so what's my answer to the question? If I could go back and choose a different person to spend my life with, would I?Okay, yes I would. Right now I can think of other people I'd rather be with, other personality traits, other ways of looking at the world, other behaviours I'd enjoy in a partner much more than the frustrating @!$#?! I have to put up with now. (Of course I know the feeling is mutual!)

But who couldn't think of someone else, or at least a fantasy "someone else", who they think would work better for them? Honestly. How many times have I wanted to walk away from my car, just park it and leave it by the side of the road, because it's a piece of crap I can't afford or be bothered to fix? Ditto for my apartment, my computer, my own health for crying out loud! It's so tempting, so conveniently disposable.

But I just can't do that when it comes to my relationship. She drives me crazy, but jeez, I drive her crazy. In every relationship, someone is driving someone crazy! If every relationship ended because of that, no one would be left standing. With ten years of history, much of it good, and three kids, I guess I just don't feel I have the right (or at least think it would be damned irresponsible) to have the old memory erased and start anew with someone else. And no, I didn't just write this hoping she'd read it and feel guilty. I'm truly just reflecting on my feelings, no obligation to the reader intended.

Those are my thoughts, anyway. What do you think?

LOTR's Aragorn - Is He "What Women Want"?

Legolas (Orlando Bloom) and Aragorn (Viggo Mortensen) accept the 'man' challenge and save the day in "The Return of the King" (New Line Cinema, 2003)

Tuesday's the big day and as a matter of fact, yes, I will be buying the extended DVD of "The Return of the King". Thanks for asking!

Aaah, I remember those glorious days between November 2001 and the same month in 2003 when the whole world seemed to sit on the edge of its seat, waiting for the next installment in the trilogy. I don't think I've felt that level of excitement since the first three (and to this day, still the best - sorry, George) Star Wars movies hit the screen and basically defined my childhood.

Love 'em or hate 'em, few can deny the LOTR films are big fun, chock full o' high adventure, archetypes aplenty, and life lessons to chew on for hours.

Somehow Peter Jackson managed to do what we all thought was impossible, suceeding precisely where George Lucas has gone astray: weave a great story and brilliant effects into a thoroughly convincing human drama, in which the audience can identify, in one way or another, with just about everybody on the screen.

But enough of that. I was just reading an article by Bernard Chapin at mennewsdaily.com, entitled "Defending the Ring and Tolkien", in which he defends "Lord of the Rings" against charges of sexism from Andrea Lewis.

Now this is not the first time this debate has come up, and I'm not going go into it here. (Hit the links above if you're interested.) But the articles did remind me of an experience I've had more than a few times when talking with women who have seen the LOTR movies.

Despite their politics and specific impressions of the films, I always - I repeat, always - get unanimous and enthusiastic consensus on one point: Aragorn is to die for!

Of course, Legolas is nothing to sneeze at either - he definitely comes in a close second. But there's just something about that Ranger from the north.

Being a man, and always wanting to know how I can improve on that, I'm naturally curious as to why it is that Aragorn that draws such an undissuadable female fan base.

It doesn't take long to come up with a short list: the guy's got great weapons, he has that stately poise you'd expect from a king, and most important, he kicks ass! But since that's a list I probably could have come up with when I was fifteen, I'm guessing those aren't the real reasons the women I've talked to find Aragorn attractive.

So finally I asked them. I had to insert the question casually into conversation, between discussions of the weather and the war in Iraq, so as not to look too interested in the answer. Here's what they told me:

1. Aragorn is tough and manly, but doesn't swagger or act obnoxious.

2. His manhood isn't threatened by other males who are equally skilled warriors, or conversely, men who are, shall we say, less masculine than himself.

3. He's smart, level-headed, and balanced. He knows when it's time to play and when it's time to go to work.

4. He seems to have nothing to prove. He only wants to do what's right and to protect his people, and he seems to respect everyone, men and women, young and old, warrior and tradesperson.

5. He can charge into focused, full-on combat with his enemies, but when the battle is over, he comes back and takes up the mundane responsibilities of daily life without complaint.

6. He sings a mean coronation theme!

7. Most importantly, he knows how to treat a woman.

8. Furthermore, he respects the women in his life as equals, or at least as equally gifted and capable warrior-leaders.

In other words, Aragorn represents everything a woman wants in a man, without all the things she doesn't want.

Now, a huge part of the credit for the Aragorn we see on the screen has to go to Viggo Mortensen. In real life, Mortensen is a poet, writer, musician, and photographer, and speaks four languages fluently - including Elvish. So that renaissance-man/sensitive-warrior quality can't help but come out in his portrayal of Aragorn.

But that's irrelevant really. The point is, women love what they see. So is there something we men can learn from Aragorn? Not only when it comes to understanding what women are looking for, but simply what it means to be a man?

Ladies, is there anything else you want to say?
________________________________________________________

For more on gender issues in The Lord of the Rings, visit:

The Tolkien Online Forum

Does Gender Matter? Women, Tolkien, and the Online Fanfiction Community , Kristi Lee Brobeck

Macho Men & Warrior Princesses, Kara Gardner (@ Green Books)

A Shire of Her Own: Why This Lady Loves Lord of the Rings, Lynn Harris (@ The Simon)

Visit Big Pic Politik

Check out Paul's other blog - Big Pic Politik - for a discussion of how politics affects you . . . and how you can affect politics. Left, right, or in between, your opinion matters.

Quotes on the Journey of the Soul

I don't want to acheive immortality through my work; I want to acheive it through not dying.

Woody Allen

Men stumble over the truth from time to time, but most pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing happened.

Sir Winston Churchill

Life is what happens when you're busy making other plans.

John Lennon

Ignorance is the night of the mind, but a night without moon and star.

Confucius

I could not at any age be content to take my place in a corner by the fireside and simply look on.

Eleanor Roosevelt

We must be willing to get rid of the life we planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us.

Joseph Campbell

Do not store up treasures on earth where moth and rust destroy, and where theives can break in and steal. Instead, store up treasures in heaven, which neither moth and rust can destroy and theives can't steal. For whever your treasure is, that's where your heart is.

Jesus

Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.

Abraham Lincoln

One has seen nothing until one has come fact to face with oneself. Then each and every moment hosts the ultimate miracle, wherever you are. Truth and love are in the palms of our hands.

Lama Surya Das

Two roads diverged in a wood and I - I took the one less travelled by. And that has made all the difference.

Robert Frost

It's a funny thing about life - if you refuse to accept anything but the best, you very often get it.

W. Somerset Maugham

You must have a room, or a certain hour or so a day, where you don't know what was in the newspaper that morning. . .a place where you can simply experience and bring forth what you are and what you might be.

Joseph Campbell

In the attitude of silence the soul finds the path in a clearer light, and what is elusive and deceptive resolves itself into crystal clearness. Our life is a long and arduous quest after Truth.

Mahatma Gandhi

I do not seek to follow in the footsteps of the men of old; I seek what they sought.

Basho, haiku poet

One need not travel to distant lands, seek exotic mystical experiences, master esoteric mantras and treatises, or cultivate extraordinary states of mind in order to acheive a radical change of heart and inner transformation. Spiritually speaking, everything that one wants, aspires to, and needs is ever-present, accessible here and now - for those with eyes to see. It's the old adage all over again: You don't need to see different things, but rather to see things differently. . . Spirituality is a matter of self-discovery, rather than of becoming something else.

Lama Surya Das

A time is coming when you will worship God neither on this mountain or that temple. . .A time is coming when the true worshipers will worship God in spirit and in truth, for they are the kind of worshipers God seeks.

Jesus

Ethical axioms are found and tested not very differently from the axioms of science. Truth is what stands the test of experience.

Albert Einstein

I'm astounded by people who want to "know" the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

Woody Allen

There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened.

Douglas Adams

They most often change who would be constant in happiness or wisdom.

Confucius

Life is either a daring adventure or nothing. Security does not exist in nature, nor do the children of men as a whole experience it. Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than exposure. . . Character can not be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success acheived.

Hellen Keller

The important thing is not to stop questioning. Curiosity has its own reason for existing. One cannot help but be in awe when he contemplates the mysteries of eternity, of life, of the marvelous structure of reality. It is enough if one tries merely to comprehend a little of this mystery every day. Never lose a holy curiosity.

Albert Einstein

Every day you make progress. Every step may be fruitful. Yet there will stretch out before you an ever-lengthening, ever-ascending, ever-improving path. You know you will never get to the end of the journey. But this, so far from discouraging, only adds to the joy and glory of the climb.

Sir Winston Churchill

No pessimist ever discovered the secret of the stars or sailed an uncharted land, or opened a new doorway for the human spirit.

Hellen Keller

With coarse rice to eat, with water to drink, and my bended arm for a pillow - I have still joy in the midst of these things. Riches and honours acquired by unrighteousness are to me as a floating cloud.

Confucius

MEN OR BOYS? - Review: The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie

Patrick Star and SpongeBob SquarePants become real men in "The Spongebob SquarePants Movie" (Paramount Pictures, 2004)

Okay, I confess: I have been a confirmed SpongeBob fan since the day I succumbed to my kids' military-style interrogation tactics and purchased the Spongebob Hallowe'en DVD at a Safeway check-out in Edmonton two years ago.

In retrospect, I can say I'm grateful I hadn't been tainted by the hype or soured by the SpongeBob chic debate at that point. In blissful naivete I put the disc in my PS2 and hunkered down on the couch for a good pre-supper nap. Instead, I laughed so hard I popped intercostal muscle #3 in G minor. Who knew how hillariously avant-garde a sponge living in a pineapple under the sea could be?

For months I kept it to myself, sure I'd lose all credibility with anyone over twelve if I let my secret out. How could I admit my affection for this blessed invertebrate who allowed me to be a sophisticated adult and a giggling kid all at once? How could I have known, as I laughed out loud in the safety of my living room, just how far-reaching his influence had been among my peers, generating a legion of adult fans and a subsequent legion of anti-fans in staff rooms and college dorms across North America?

Needless to say, I was relieved to come out of the closet and weigh in squarepants-ly on the side of Bob and company. Torture me, pickle me, tie me down and tickle me, I can't change the way I feel about these guys. They kill me.

That's why when I heard they were making a movie, I was nervous. All I could think about was how one of my other favourite cartoon series, Looney Tunes, had transferred to the big screen. And I thought, oh tartar sauce, not Spongebob too.

Well God bless you, Stephen Hillenburg, for losing nothing in translation! Besides the inevitable challenges of having to spin a fifteen-minute format into an hour and a half, Hillenburg and the gang have managed to retain all the idiocy, irreverance, cheekiness, and charm that make the show such a hit on the small screen.

(Warning: spoilers ahead.)

As the film begins, Mr. Krabs is opening his second franchise, the "Krusty Krab 2". SpongeBob is sure he's a shoe-in for management, but when Squidward Tentacles gets the job because Bob isn't "man" enough, the Spongeman is devestated and goes on an all-night ice cream drunk with best pal Patrick.

Meanwhile, Plankton, Mr. Krabs' competitor and arch-nemesis, hatches a plan ("Plan Z") to steal King Neptune's crown and pin it on Krabs, thereby taking the crustaceous restauranteur out of the way and putting him (Plankton) in possession of the coveted "Krabby Patty" recipe.

Still stinging at his bosses "rejection" but loyal to the last, SpongeBob promises Neptune he'll retrieve the stolen crown from Shell City within six days, and thus redeem Krabs. As expected, Patrick goes along for the ride.

At every point, Mr. SquarePants and Patrick are assailed by forces that remind them they are mere kids, that only real men could possibly fulfill the quest they've presumed to take upon themselves. Though they put up a good fight, it gets to them after a while: maybe they are just kids. Maybe they don't have what it takes to meet this challenge. Maybe they should just admit the truth and turn back.

But, like all starfish and sponges worth their sea salt, they don't. They decide that "manhood" is a matter of attitude and choice not biological age, and press forward until they find their grail, and return home to save the day. Having proven his bravery (and thereby, his manhood), SpongeBob is given the position of manager, and all is well once again in Bikini Bottom.


Adults can still be kids; Men can still be boys

There's no point arguing about which demographic SpongeBob is aimed at: there were as many adults in the theatre killing themselves as there were kids. (I was one of them.) What has interested me is why Bob carries such appeal in the first place, especially for adults, both men and women. I mean, I haven't seen nearly as many Rugrats or Kimpossible T-shirts in size XXL.

"The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie" showcases the source of SpongeBob's enduring drawing power: his promise-by-example that growing up doesn't have to mean "growing up".

Unlike Peter Pan, whose fierce resistence to adulthood forces him to live in isolation from real-world society and at odds with all the adults in his life, SpongeBob, like Winnie the Pooh, is simply happy to be what he is. And to the chagrin of his critics, he is able to function quite fine in daily life, thank you very much, despite (or perhaps because of) his child-like approach to life.

Sure he blows bubbles and balances spatulas on his nose (these are necessarily bad things?), but he also shows up for work on time, looks after his home and appearance, and most important of all, takes his relationships very seriously. I know not everyone will agree, but as far as I can tell, this is a guy who has learned to balance the responsibility of manhood with the adventure of boyhood, marrying the best of each while avoiding their excesses.

Okay, so maybe playing your nose like a flute is a bit excessive, but you get my point.

I'm not suggesting that all of his behaviors serve as appropriate models for men; simply that in the quest to grow up, it isn't necessary to abandon all the things that made us boys. Honesty, loyalty, and responsibility are no more "grown up" virtues than spontaneity, goofiness, and a great sense of humour, all things being balanced.

Granted, we menfolk sometimes act a little too much like boys. But the solution doesn't have to be found in growing old before our time. As far as I'm concerned, it would be a shame for guys (and gals) to be made to feel that achieving manhood means abandoning the best of boyhood.

Your thoughts?

Paul

"Care of the Soul" author Thomas Moore

Getting Our Souls Back

"The great malady of the twentieth century, implicated in all of our troubles and affecting us individually and socially , is "loss of soul". When soul is neglected, it doesn't just go away; it appears symptomatically in obsessions, addictions, violence, and loss of meaning. Our tendency is to isolate these symptoms, or try to eradicate them one by one; but the root problem is that we have lost our wisdom about the soul, even our interest in it." -- Thomas Moore, Care of the Soul

Depending on where you're coming from, the thought of a blog dedicated to the discussion of such heady topics as spirituality, philosophy, mythology, and the arts might sound either wonderfully appealing or mind-numbingly boring.

And what's this about the soul?

Let me clarify from the get-go that this is NOT a site for nerds and scholars - or should I say, not JUST a site for nerds and scholars. Nor is it just for religious people, philosophers, mythologists, or artists; for saints or gurus, or those who style themselves so. It's for everybody who has a soul. In other words, it's for everybody.

So what about the soul?

Let me start by saying that I agree with psychotherapist/author Thomas Moore when he says our single greatest problem as human beings is that we've lost, or at least neglected, our souls. In other words, lost touch with that part of ourselves that Phil McGraw calls our "core of consciousness - that place where you are absolutely defined, the place within you where your greatest strengths, instincts, values, talents, and wisdom are centered." The real you, if you will, underneath the roles and masks you put on just to stay alive. If you're like most people in the West, "you" usually gets put at or near the bottom of your to-do list.

The evidence of our collective loss of soul is everywhere - where do we begin? In tragedies ranging from the deeply personal (rising rates of suicide, divorce, addiction, just to name a few) to the inescapably global (terrorism, environmental degredation, corporate imperialism, just to name a few), it's all around us.

But then what is the solution?

Well, I don't believe the answer will ever come from dwelling on what's wrong with the world and how screwed up we are. Been there, done that - it's not a particularly happy (or productive) place to be. Neither am I convinced that the answer lies in some knee-jerk retreat to religion. 10 years as a teacher of religion and pastor taught me the advantages but also the limitations of religion as a cure for the soul.

Curing the soul isn't what I'm after anyway, anymore than it is Moore's concern. Like him, it's caring for the soul that I'm interested in. Figuring out how, in the absolute craziness of life, to find an emotional centre - to "be still" - so I can zero in on and be effective with the few things that really matter, starting with me. That's not selfishishness, it's just sensible. It is, arguably, the most selfless and giving thing a person can do.

But then why go into stuff like philosophy, mythology, and the arts when we're talking about taking care of our souls?

Because unlike any our venue in our society, reflective philsophical thought and great stories (literature, music, and film) allow our souls to surface without embarassment or judgment, and be treated with the respect they deserve. It's in these things that our souls are acknowledged, discussed, understood, celebrated, and cared for. Heretical as it may sound to some, I believe there's as much food for the soul in a good movie or song as there is in any sermon or psychotherapy rap session. (The Matrix, Star Wars, Groundhog Day, and Antwone Fisher, just to name a few of my favourites.)

The themes and ideas that keep cycling through our popular culture - especially in modern film, music, and literature - come from a deep psychological and mythic well, a well that goes down thousands of years past our favourite fairy tales and folk stories, through the thoughts of ancient philosophers and the sacred writings of our oldest religions, and straight into the human psyche.

The reason we're still interested in Socrates and Shakespeare, despite the mental gymnastics sometimes required to decipher their language or logic, is that they still ring so wonderfully true. Titanic may not have been an extraordinary film, but it's still the highest grossing movie of all time for the same reason that Romeo and Juliet is still read in high schools around the world. Because basic human needs and desires have remained virtually unchanged in all the time we've been on this planet. And the thoughts and stories that speak to these needs and desires are often the very best tools to help us find out who we really are and who we should be as people living together in the world.

So, okay, we may lapse into nerddom once in a while on SpiritCentreStage. (I welcome that, by the way!) But my main purpose is to bring spirituality, philosophy, and the arts as close to the ground as possible, so they can inform our minds, speak to our hearts, reawaken our dreams, and perhaps help us chart a new course for the future. So they can help us get our souls back.

Let the games begin!

Paul

Visit The Nuggery

Check out Paul's other blog - The Nuggery - to take part in one man's journey toward "getting it": getting relationships, how men and women work, etc. Male or female, your opinions are welcome!

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Check out Bravus.

Links

Exploring the soul in . . .

FILM

Cinema in Focus

Jitterbug.com Star Wars Origins

Philosophy & the Matrix
(scan through the "mainframe" in the top right corner till you find "Philosophy")


MYTHOLOGY

Encylopedia Mythica

Joseph Campbell Foundation